Can I tell you how sad I am?

This may have been one of the most depressing days I have had personally....

The foot pain that has been lingering for the past week came and haunted me today. I thought for sure that my foot would have been better by today but I was very wrong. When I woke up this morning I felt it and it sort of felt worse than it has all week. I did not say anything to anyone because I wanted to ignore it and it just disappear - I thought it would be one of those things that if I didn't think about it or acknowledge it then maybe it really wasn't there.

Stephanie gave me her bottle of 500 mg Ibuprofen the night before, so I took 2 an hour before the race. Once we started to line up I continued to feel my foot... this time it was THROBBING. I had to re tie my shoe, because it was too tight on the pain.. my foot was swelling! I still did not tell anyone. We met up with Todd and Dennis and everyone was in high spirits. I was so excited about the race, the atmosphere and people were just as amazing as I had remembered it from the previous year. This is my FAVorite race, I had been looking forward to this for a year!!!!

The gun went off at 7:35 ... and immediately my worst fear came true... every step I felt my foot. I immediately reached down and grabbed an ibuprofen, swallowed it, turned my music up and tried to forget about it. The spectators were out in full force and the weather was AMAZING. I was set to have the perfect race.... 3:10 was all mine!!!!

Mile 1 passed... and it was not fun. Mile 2 came and this is when I realized that I probably needed to just stop and give up, but I couldn't bring myself to admit this. All of a sudden the pain was strikingly painful and every time my foot hit the pavement it was there. Around mile 2.5 Jaime came up beside me... and thats when I realized my pace was waaay off and not where I needed it to be. She asked how my foot was and then I lost it. I started sobbing!!! I said I am going to quit and she said something back to me and the tears and sobs just started... I had to look away from her and try to collect myself  (still running).... I then put my earphones back in my ear because I knew I couldn't talk... I was way to upset to form a sentence. I think she realized this because she dropped back. I was so distraught. Something clicked in my head at this point and I took off! I was NOT going to quit - this was my favorite race, I tell everyone how much I love it, I had trained hard for it and I wanted to enjoy every last mile!!! I threw my gloves off and got back to my 7:20 pace.... I thought if I ignored it I would be fine. Next water stop another ibuprofen was taken..... now I am at 2000 mg!!!

I was enjoying it all, and still trying to mask the pain. We got out on the beach and happiness just engulfed me. I was smiling and happy and loving life. This lasted until we got off the beach at mile 7.65... then the pain was back in full force. I tried so hard.... I got mad, very mad so I took another ibuprofen!! After taking the 5th one I started realizing just how stupid I was being... Lots of thoughts were going through my head...

Well you can slow down and finish - who cares about the time?
Penny, just stop, you will only hurt yourself and then you won't be able to run because of the recovery.
Penny don't be a baby, it doesn't really hurt.
Penny, you are already off pace - you will not be PR'ing today... just stop!
Penny, you are going to OD on  Ibrophen
Penny... if you stop now, you can recover and then run another marathon sooner AND be able to run everyday like you love!!!
Penny - just settle for a 3:40 and slow down

aaaand these thoughts just kept coming.... it was retarded.

Then I read a sign that said "Finish the Race. Finish Breast Cancer" this made me feel pathetic- if people can suffer through breast cancer, I could surely suffer through 26.2 miles.... right??!!! Then people were cheering me on - I couldn't quit!!!

I crossed the 10 mile mat and stopped - next thing I know the 3:20 pace group passes by and say start running!! Just run with us!! So I said fine... and I was running again!!! Then the pain was 10 x worse!! My foot started giving out on me.... like I was going to land on my knees because my foot was not supporting me anymore...

So.... I QUIT ... I QUIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and now I am going to crawl in a dark hole and never come out. I quit my favorite race and every single person from the 3:15 group - 3:40 group saw me walking and crying and giving up....

such a sad day in the life of Penny Bloom

this is how I really feel, and now I am trying to find the positive - because I still believe everything happens for a reason - now I am searching for the reason!

So after almost OD'ing on drugs - I turned to beer to cope